Monthly Archives: February 2009

My mood changes swiftly—

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When I see pictures of kids crying because their homes were destroyed by bombs launched from Israel, I cry. When I see beggars on the street, I cry. When I feel I cannot help them, a few drops of my tears drop. I don’t know why. They just fall down nationally and automatically. They just come easy. Just like today, when I was eating something, an old man holding a walking stick in his hand came and asked for some money. I quickly tried to find the change in my pocket (which I saw earlier) to give that to him– but I saw only big money– I tirelessly tried to find it for him. But after he saw me busy finding for a while, he gave up and walked away. I felt very sad for him and got angry with myself for not organized habit.

The question I asked myself was “Am I crazy?” I know my action was assumed by others as crazy, nonsense, child-like, useless– but I wanted to help the old guy with something he wanted– some change–The other question I asked myself was “Why didn’t I give him the big change?” I thought that giving people who beg on the street much money will make them believe that it’s a good business while it’s not. It’s not that I never see people beg on the street or come and ask me for money– but this man is old– but still I feel so bad I can’t help. I just feel hopeless that there are just too many beggars in Cambodia. Does their unemployment come from laziness, some kind of nepotism they have to pay a price for, land grabbing, corruption, gambling?? There’s so much to be seen.

The only thing I realize now is that I cannot help everyone, which makes me feel bad. I wish I could have more than I want— I wish that I will never resort to bad means just to be rich and comfortable. No matter what I do, no matter I have been, I feel like I miss out something– which later I find out that I miss helping people who are in need of help. There was a prominent middle-aged man in Cambodia who told me today that when he slept on snow in France, he swore that if anyone could give him just a piece of bread, he would always be grateful to the person– that melts my heart– he came back to Cambodia and helped the poor. I want to help the poor not because I want gratitude from them– but I wish to help them as they have nobody to turn to. And I wish to help them because it’s the message from God that human beings help each other.

I’ve been tagged– Internet Meme

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The first thing I want to ask is “Why me?” :-( Am I under attack too? I’ve been tagged byTharum Bun who was at the beginning tagged by Ethan Zuckerman. I saw these rules in Tharum’s blog and thought it might be okay to try.

 

And this meme has its rules:
1. Link to your original tagger(s) and list these rules in your post.
2. Share seven facts about yourself in the post.
3. Tag seven people at the end of your post by leaving their names and the links to their blogs.
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged

1. Of course, you know my real name Keo (family name) Kounila (first name), but at the same time I also have many nicknames like ‘Shark (Chhlam), Black (Khmao/Srey Mao), Huoch (which my grandmmother named because as a baby, my mouth was too small to be breast-fed) and Cham (which is a name passed on from my father who was called ‘Cham’ too when he was little).

 

2. My ancestry is quite complicated and if I put it in writing, it will take more than a page to describe. My mother’s father was half-blood Chinese when her grandparents were pure Chinese. Whereas, my father’s mother was Cambodian-Hainam Chinese-Vietnamese and his father was completely Cambodian. So now I am a mixture of everything inherited from them; however, I believe I am 100% Cambodian. I personally do not celebrate Chinese New Year, but my family does every year.

 

3. I attended the first grade when I was 4 years old but had to take the first grade for two years though I was ranked first in the class. That’s because I was just 4 years old. During the second year of the first grade, I left a laughable memory inside the class that has been now reminded from time to time by my mother for a good laugh. I probably pooped and the feces stuck inside my pants. I just ran home and found my mother working. She later hurried to wash me.

 

4. I could read newspaper when I was in third grade. When my parents took me to a restaurant which was opened by my mother’s brother-in-law, I spotted a guy reading newspaper that had very beautiful girls on the front page. I longed to read very much and kept pestering the guy around to really see what was on the page.

 

5. For 9 years at school, I had been a very good student until I met a Cambodian teacher who taught me English for 5 years. I quitted learning hard in the 10th grade and focused on reading books in English. Until now, I have had difficulty speaking Khmer formally. This is what I regret- I should have read a lot of Khmer too. This teacher, though, was the one who changed me from bad to good. He did not only teach me English but also everything that prepares me for the future. Even though now we do not have things in common anymore, he is the one who gave me the incentive to be strongly determined to succeed in life.

 

6. For years in high school and university, I have behaved like a tomboy. For the last 5 years, I would hate anyone who called me ‘girl/woman’, but okay now. I play and make friends both with girls and boys since I believe that women and men are equal in the sight of God. There is a tradition going around that men play with men and girls are shy to play with men. During the first year of university, I played football almost every evening with my male classmates and a girfriend. Sports is the only way for men to see other men’s strength– and also to allow women to feel comparable with men too.

 

7. I do not think that I am a busy girl at all. Now working as an Agence France Presse reporter on the weekends, as a research consultant for Centre for Cambodian Independent Media and now as a third year media student, I feel like I want to want to have some space to breathe. The only thing that I remind myself ofwhen I feel down is that ‘I can do anything’. And my future wish is to pursue a higher education abroad and come back to helping improve Cambodia.

I’m tagging: John Weeks, Seangheng Lim, Nearirath Sreng, Raksmey Meas, Piseth Um, Casja Collin, Raina


Profile about Vannsan Nou

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Vannsan Nou wonders why she was born as a girl at all while the beginning of the end of the Khmer Rouge regime was stepping in. Grown into a good-looking lady with a slender figure, pale skin and shoulder-length haircut, this 23-year old connects her ‘boring’ past with her ‘cheerful’ present moment.

Life of a mentally rebellious girl
After living briefly at the camp as a child, her family moved from the refugee camp to the last stronghold area of the Khmer Rouge, Anlung Veng in Addor Meanchey province. At that time, several provinces were still militarily controlled by the remaining Khmer Rouge until 1998.

But for Vannsan as a child, she started questioning herself instead why she was born as a girl. At the new place her family called ‘the second refugee camp’, her father would tell all the children to adapt to the living still under the control of the Khmer Rouge and that would mean ‘no playing outside’ for the girls.

“My father would then advise us against mischief that could bring us trouble, and one thing for sure was girls had to stay indoors in the evenings. I couldn’t protest out loud, but in my mind I knew that was not right for me or what I wanted. Then, I would sit down and pray to God to be a man next life,” she says.

“Now I know what’s right”

After being exposed to working and studying with western women, Vannsan starts to feel hope and later spend days and nights working hard to be a strong and independent woman.
“Who says a woman can’t be beautiful and intelligent at the same time?” Vannsan asks. “We can’t be restricted to just the kitchen area and only looking after kids all the time?”

Now living far away from her parents, Vannsan has to make most of the decisions for her work and study. Now working as an assistant communication officer, Vannsan grins most of the time when meeting her friends. Conversely, at home her parents wanted her to become a doctor, a high-class profession nowadays. But, she knew more than everybody else what she wanted the most in her life.

She entered the media school in 2006 and started off with no regret. She thinks a woman like her must be empowered with a good education that involves traveling and talking to different people.
“All my life, I never want anybody to lead me to where they want, but I strongly need to lead myself to where I want to go. I rejected my parents’ order, and I’m not going to listen to anyone who doesn’t listen to me,” she says. “My relatives often call me a bundle of contradictions,” she recalls.

Empowerment for Women

Receiving some education about the western world, Vannsan does not have a national hero yet. John F. Kennedy, a former US president, is the one who inspires her the most, but she does not favour the USA, as her destination for pursuit of a high education. One of the most modern European countries is more than her delight.

“Whatever other people want to do, I don’t want to,” she says, giggling. “I want to do something which is different and which is from real me.” Even more, she looks to foreign women who can travel around countries for work, with high regard and wants to enjoy the same taste of freedom for once in her lifetime.

“My only wish after graduation from abroad is to initiate a woman-empowering program to help women as well as men to realize their own potential.” However, when asked how she could cope with her study when she’s getting older, she turned to her friend sitting on the bench next to her and said, raising her worried tone, “Seangheng, I’m nearly 24.”