On the Edge of Death

One night I stayed very late to watch a documentary called “Schindler’s List,” produced by Steven Spielberg in 1993. The movie explicitly shows the horrendous persecution on Jews in Poland. The World War II exterminated around 6 European Jews all over Europe while the movie details the arbitrary shooting of German soldiers on Jews, old or young. As a foreign person exposed to some German history, I vicariously feel ashamed of the brutal deeds done to innocent people, just like what the Khmer Rouge soldiers in Cambodia did to Cambodians.
While watching the film, I suddenly thought about death. Why was life in war just a matter of seconds? With no hint, I began to panic and paced around my bedroom. Letting go a good cry, all the flashbacks came to the moment. I remember specific things I did when I was 7 till 22. They were about my activities at school, such as sitting down and imagining my future. When I was 12, I thought how cool it would be to become 16 years old. But when I was 16 years old, I didn’t feel awed by the age. Sadness, happiness, disappointment, distress and whatever positive or negative feelings I have encountered, make me more vulnerable to thoughts of death in the future. I have constantly told myself again and again that I will not be able to hold on to hope that before death, I will have achieved spectacular things. Trying not to sound ridiculous, that night I finally came to a conclusion. Only ‘immortality’ will keep my feelings alive. In many Chinese movies, the greedy kings forced people to make immortal medicine for them, so they could enjoy life much longer. For me, I only want to enjoy work, fun and feelings (good or bad).
A friend on Facebook suggests that I forget about the certain destination and concentrate more on the journey I am taking. I certainly couldn’t bring myself to this reality: life but taxes is certain. Panicking got me further; my heart started to beat noisily in my head; time to me passes so quickly nowadays. So, I thought that 40/50 years to go to come will be very short. I have had many things in mind, countless good memories, lots of experiences with my life, impeccable love from my parents. How can one accept less than a much longer life? I shamelessly want immortality to see the whole world. If I could, I would make every life, especially my parents’ intact of death and aging.
I could only sit down and grieve over this. My friends have kept telling me that perhaps I have jumped from adolescence to adulthood, which might explain this unpleasant and scary phenomenon. For sure, I’ll graduate this summer (July). I had never feared death, at least psychically, except this one time. I was a chicken, trapped in this cage. My destiny has been set: I’ll have my end some day.
With this blog post standing visibly online as a piece of a personal history, maybe in 50 or 60 years, it’ll remind everyone of me. But will I still feel myself existing. We are a sentient being, aren’t we? But there’s no denial we know we won’t exist for eternity… Like other people on this earth, I do dread not feeling anything like pain or suffering, not to mention happiness and laughter. I wish there’s a utopia at the end that will await me. I don’t have faith that God exists. I am a Buddhist or an atheist in a way. Clinging to this hopeless dream, I’d rather not focus too much on the destination. The end will be the end.
KK